


I Could Never Hate You, Remember?

by Strawbaby



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bisexuality, Bucky Barnes Feels, Closeted Character, Coming Out, Crying, Denial of Feelings, First Kiss, Gay Bucky Barnes, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Mild Language, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Self-Hatred, Steve Rogers Feels, Stucky - Freeform, argument, mentions of character death (Sarah)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-26
Updated: 2016-07-31
Packaged: 2018-07-26 20:07:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7588252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Strawbaby/pseuds/Strawbaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Sure he had fights with Stevie before but never over this. And now he had revealed the truth, the secret that he’d been trying to keep to himself since he was thirteen years old. He had tried to ignore, push down the feelings. Flirt with the girls, get them excited then make up some bullshit story about what happened after. But confessing to Steve, that was the nail in the coffin, it affirmed everything he had tried so hard to repress. He was gay and Steve knew."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Truth, Finally.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (The second chapter of this fic is good I swear, I just suck at setting things up.)  
> Bucky Barnes is acting weird and Steve wants to get to the bottom of it. The truth is hard for Bucky but Steve is more understanding then he could ever hope.  
> “Gotta’ watch myself Stevie, gotta’ stay at the top. I’ve gotta’ assert myself”  
> “So you make up stories about you getting girls?” Steve asked disgust clear in his voice. He fumbled with the key and opened the apartment door.  
> “Honestly I don’t really see why this is such a big deal Stevie, all guys lie a little.” Bucky continued his voice rising “And why do you care so much”  
> “I don’t understand you.”

Steve dug the toe of his boot into the ground tracing small circles through the gravel as he listened to Bucky chat away with some friends. He couldn’t help but smirk as the older boy boasted about his recent exploits, loudly and explicitly explaining the different styles of kissing. Steve actually let a laugh slip out when Buck insinuated that he had brought Dot Clark home on Friday evening and done vulgar things to her, it was all lie and Steve knew it. There had been no dame at their apartment on Friday. Friday was game night or laundry night and to Steve’s recollection it had just been him and Bucky, all alone playing a rather intense round of monopoly (Steve won, of course).  
After listening to the stories for a bit he let his mind wander, after all, most of the tales the young men spun were fake anyway.

  
Delving deep into thought he stared defocused at Bucky.  
Why did he need lie about having dames over? Was it to make him seem like more of a man? It’s not like he couldn’t get girls; in fact most found the 20 year old charming and handsome. For some reason Bucky would brush aside their attempts at courting him, even lovely girls like Lillian and Noel from the dance. All the other boys would fawn over them but Buck had merely chatted with them to be polite, then turned back to his conversation with Steve as if nothing had happened.

  
Steve looked at Bucky pensively. What young man wouldn’t want girls all over him?  
Steve would love to make Lillian his sweetheart and blushed at the thought, It would never happen though. He was scrawny and sickly and next to Bucky’s strong build he turned invisible. But it had always been like that, eventually you get used to people looking through you. He had been elated when Noel had talked to him for the first time; she seemed like a sweetheart, But soon it became apparent that he was just being used as a pawn to get closer to Bucky, not an unfamiliar situation.

  
“…Steve?” Bucky’s voice snapped him back to reality.  
“C’mon man let's go to the fair tonight.”  
“Sounds grand.” Steve said automatically. Great he thought. Bucky had just lassoed him into another night of being the ugly-little-wingman. Deep inside Steve knew that his friend didn’t think that way, in fact he probably thought that he was doing Steve a favor by forcing him to socialize.

  
\------------+---------

  
Steve awkwardly trailed behind Buck as they wove through the mass of people. The fair itself was a whirlwind of colors, smells and sounds. It was all a bit overwhelming.  
Bucky cut through the crowd till they reached a clearing in mob next to a popcorn stand, quickly purchasing one the boys sat down on a nearby bench.  
They shared the snack and chatted about trivial things.

  
“Jesus Steve. You’ve got quite the appetite tonight” Bucky said through a smirk which earned him a shove on the shoulder. He feigned injury and continued “You know you’re paying me back for this, right? I’ve barely had a bite.”  
Steve rolled his eyes. “Sure.” He replied with no intention of doing so.  
They turned back to the popcorn for a few minutes.  
Suddenly Bucky asked “Ya’ think that if I quit my job at the warehouse I could find somewhere better?”  
“I don’t know Buck, I wouldn’t want you to quit just yet. Better be sure that you have a job to go to first. What’s the problem with it?”  
“Yah, your right. I just hate it there. I still can’t believe you make more than me at the market”  
“I think that you underestimate my can stacking talents Buck” Steve said with a chuckle.  
“Yah right, I bet...” Buck begun to counter but the sight of a very angry girl approaching him melted the smile off his face.  
“Barnes!” Dot shouted at him. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

  
Despite being barely five feet tall Dot was scary when she was mad. If Steve didn’t feel so bad he may have laughed at the look of genuine terror that crossed his friends face.

  
“Jesus Christ” Bucky murmured as he put on a fake smile.

  
“What’s troubling you Dottie?”  
“Don’t you “Dottie” me Barnes. I know what you’ve been telling your scumbag friends! Jack told me everything that you said we did.”  
“S’ just talk Dot, it don’t mean anything.”  
“Don’t mean anything? It means something to me Barnes. We haven’t talked since high school and now you’re telling folks that I’m your sweetheart? What kind of freak does that?”  
Bucky’s eyes darkened at the word freak but Dot continued her rant.  
“You better hope that my man never finds out about this Barnes, I swear he will throttle you. Find someone else to star in your fantasies.” And with a whirl of her skirt the girl walked away.

  
Steve looked over at his friend and almost laughed again. Buck sat looking dumbstruck with his mouth open. It was crazy to see a girl act that way to a man who was nearly a foot taller than her.

  
“C’mon Steve, let’s get out of here” Buck snapped abruptly and he helped Steve up.

  
\-----------+--------

  
“Ya’ know” Steve said as he wheezed his way up the stairs to their apartment.  
“Dot did have a point. Why did you say those things about her?”  
“Oh Stevie, that’s just how the game is played. Ya’ know how it is”  
“No James, I actually don’t. Why would you lie about that?” Steve managed before he fell into a fit of coughing. Why do we have to live on the 4th floor? He thought for the millionth time.

  
“You okay there buddy?” Bucky asked and he seemed genuinely concerned.  
“Fine, now answer the question” Steve clipped as they arrived on their floor.  
“Gotta’ watch myself Stevie, gotta’ stay at the top. I’ve gotta’ assert myself”  
“So you make up stories about you getting girls?” Steve asked disgust clear in his voice. He fumbled with the key and opened the apartment door.  
“Honestly I don’t really see why this is such a big deal Stevie, all guys lie a little.” Bucky continued his voice rising “And why do you care so much Steve?”  
“I don’t understand you.”  
“The fuck is that supposed to mean Rogers?”  
“What I mean is, why you have make up stories. Everywhere you go there’s dames all over you.” Steve was shouting now. “Hell, I reckon if you asked Dot she would’ve gone out with you. If anyone should be spinning stories about getting dames it should be me.” He spat.  
“Not like anyone would believe you” Bucky mumbled.  
Hurt registered In Steve’s eyes “So is that why you do it then? Because you think people will believe you, so you can get away with it?” He paused for a moment took a breath and took a softer tone. “Well pal you aren’t fooling me. I know that you don’t take ladies home with you.” He sat down on the couch and looked Bucky over hard. “You could you know, don’t you? I have no problem with you flirting or taking gals back home, I’ve never had a problem with it. You’re a grown man for god sake.”  
Bucky’s face was unreadable as he took a chair across from Steve. “Glad I have your permission.” He said with a chuckle.  
Steve’s face was stony, he wasn’t backing down on his interrogation.

  
“So is that why you never have dates over? You don’t want to bother me.” He took a sarcastic voice “Well that’s real swell of you buddy, never knew you were such a considerate roommate.”

  
Bucky sighed in exhaustion and he rose from the chair. “No that’s not why”  
“Then why? Why the hell are you acting so…”  
Buck cut him off. “I’m gay Stevie.” Turned on his heel and walked to his room.

  
\------+-------

  
Bucky closed the door behind him and leaned against it to steady himself. He felt weak and shaky, his mouth was dry and he wanted to throw up. Sure he had fights with Stevie before but never over this. And now he had revealed the truth, the secret that he’d been trying to keep to himself since he was thirteen years old. He had tried to ignore, push down the feelings. Flirt with the girls, get them excited then make up some bullshit story about what happened after. But confessing to Steve, that was the nail in the coffin, it affirmed everything he had tried so hard to repress. He was gay and Steve knew.

  
After he came down from the initial shock fear set in. Would Steve be angry at him, disgusted? Would he kick Bucky out and turn him in? Humiliate him in front of the guys, watch as they beat him up in the alley. He knew the way the world treated people like him. Fags.

  
But Steve wasn’t like that, right? Steve would understand. They had been best friends since before he could remember and he hoped Steve wouldn’t just throw away their friendship because of this. He prayed Steve would understand, was he even allowed to pray anymore? He knew the church cast away homosexuality as a sin.  
The shock was wearing off and so was the fear, last came the pain. The pain at the thought of losing his best friend, his Stevie, the only person left in the world that he loved. He felt his legs give way and he slid down the door, tears streaming down his face.

  
\--------+------

  
“I’m Gay Stevie.” The words rung through Steve’s head over and over. It all made sense. The stories, his disinterest in girls, the fact that even though Buck was old enough to have a family of his own he stayed with Steve. Oh my god. Steve’s mouth went dry. Did Buck love him? Not love in the sense of “almost-brother’s” or “childhood friends” but in the way that made Buck say he was gay. No that couldn’t be, Steve shook his head. He was letting his mind take the reins and go wild, he needed to settle down and be realistic. Maybe he should talk to Bucky? He padded softly up from his place in the living room and made toward the older boy’s door, just before his knuckles came down of the solid wood to knock he heard it. Soft sobs were emanating from Bucky’s room. The noise was unexpected and Steve actually took a step back in shock. He composed himself and moved to knock on the door. The reply he got was unexpected.

  
“N-not now Steve, I- I can’t do it.” And he sounded so lost, so broken that Steve felt tears well up in his eyes in sympathy for his friend. No. No crying, if Bucky was upset Steve needed to be strong for him.  
“Buck? Are you alright in there? I just want to talk. Please open the door.”  
“No. I can’t. Can’t let you see me like this. I- you’ll hate me.” Steve was taken aback at his friend's words.  
“I could never hate you Buck” The sobbing slowed and Steve took that as a sign to continue. “I just don’t understand- that’s all I promise.” He paused and repeated “I could never hate you.”

  
He felt the door slowly swing open and leave his fingertips. He cautiously walked into his friend's room and was shocked at what he saw broke his heart. His best friend, his buddy, his Bucky was crumpled on the ground sniffling, with his head in his hands. It was shocking to see Bucky this way, he’d only ever cried at Sarah and his mother’s funeral, and never like this. To see his strong friend so helpless and broken Steve couldn’t hold back. He dropped to his knees wrapped his slender arms around the shivering form of his friend and whispered soothing things into his ear. He couldn’t remember half of what he said.

  
“I’ve got you, you’re okay, and I’m with you, it’s okay.”

  
They stayed like that for longer than Steve could count until Bucky spoke. His voice sounded stronger than before, but still hurt.

  
“You don’t hate me Steve?”  
“I could never hate you Bucky, remember?” He took his friend's head in his hands framing the defined jaw.  
“Remember what?” He seemed genuinely confused.  
“Remember that I’m with you till’ the end of the line.”

And with that he brought Bucky to his face and kissed his best friend softly on the lips. It was everything he dreamed it would be, from the time he was fifteen he had been imagining there first kiss in his head. It was coy and gentle and Bucky’s lips were soft on his own, but firm enough to be kissing back. It tasted salty from tears and sweet like something he couldn’t quite place. He opened his eyes in time to see shock register on his friends face.  
“Didn’t have to do that you know.” Bucky said softly in a gruff whisper.

  
“Wanted to.” Steve said back and he brushed a strand of hair out of Bucky’s eyes. With all the strength he could muster he lifted Bucky up from the floor and brought him over to the bed. It was clear that Buck was still out of it so Steve settled him into bed a returned with a glass of water. Bucky gulped it down gratefully. Steve walked away from the bed and hesitated for a moment in the door frame, should he stay with Bucky? Make sure he’s alright? No. Time. Bucky needed time. Steve left the room.

  
\--------+-----

  
As Steve walked out of the room Bucky begun to process what happened. Steve had kissed him and he had kissed back. Every thought that had been buzzing around his head since he was fourteen went silent. It was true. He loved Steve.  
“What the fuck.” He whispered into his pillow.


	2. What Do I Want?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve questions his kiss with Bucky. Was it all a big mistake?  
> \----  
> "Had Buck even wanted it? Steve hadn’t really asked before, he just kind of went for it. Bucky had kissed back, right? Or maybe that was just Steve’s imagination. So desperate and starved for affection that he actually led himself into believing that Bucky Barnes wanted him. Him. Scrawny little Steve Rogers. He squeezed his eyes shut. They would just talk it out in the morning. But maybe Buck didn’t want to talk, maybe he would want to pretend that the kiss had never happened. Go back to the way things were."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two turned out to be over 3,000 words so I decided to split it up. Guess I got a little carried away!

Steve closed the door behind him as he exited, turning around just in time to see Bucky shove his face in a pillow. Weirdo. He shuffled through the apartment making the usual rounds. Locking the door, turning off all the lights, closing windows. And it wasn’t until he was lying in bed, stripped down with the lights off, that the shocking reality hit him. Though it transpired less than fifteen minutes ago, his kiss with Bucky felt like some strange dream.

  
When Steve was little he would get so excited to go to the carnival when it came through town. He would spend the weeks leading up to it counting down the days on his little calendar and saving up pocket change to go on a few rides. When the day finally came it was brilliant, but he dreaded going home. Because when Steve got home the euphoria would have faded and he would be hit with the fact that it was over and after all that anticipation, he would have to wait an entire year for the carnival to come again.  
That’s what kissing Bucky was like, nearly five years of pining, built up to one fantastic moment. It was everything he hoped and dreamed, but then it was over. Reality came crashing down on him. And this wasn’t the carnival, the feeling of kissing Bucky wasn’t something guaranteed to come around again.

  
Had Buck even wanted it? Steve hadn’t really asked before, he just kind of went for it. But he had kissed back, right? Or maybe that was just Steve’s imagination. So desperate and starved for affection that he actually led himself into believing that Buck wanted him. Him. Scrawny little Steve Rogers. He squeezed his eyes shut. They would just talk it out in the morning. But maybe Buck didn’t want to talk, maybe he would want to pretend that the kiss had never happened. Go back to the way things were. It would kill Steve to see that happen, but if that’s what Bucky wanted, who was he to say no?

  
He heard Sarah’s voice in his head. ‘Stevie you deserve nice things too. Just because your small doesn’t mean that you can’t stand up for yourself and what you want’. But what did Steve want? Deep down he knew. He wanted Bucky, and the life he had been planning with him in his head for five years. The life of Bucky being his, holding his hand, keeping him warm, protecting him like he always had. In this version of his life Bucky wouldn’t ever leave him. He would never marry off to some gorgeous girl, Steve would be all he needed. He wouldn’t move out of Brooklyn to the country, he would stay with Steve in New York with a home of their own.  
Steve knew now. He had to stand up for what he needed. He had to look Buck in the eyes, pour his heart out, and tell him everything about the life he wanted.

  
\------+------

  
Bucky woke up in the morning to the smell of pancakes. He inhaled deeply as he stumbled groggily into the kitchen. There he saw Steve, his Stevie, working at the stove. It was so perfect that he couldn’t resist coming up behind him and wrapping a pair of strong arms around the small waist. He chuckled softly as Steve jumped in surprise then melted into his touch. This felt right, Bucky was home. He felt his throat clench with emotion, it was so domestic, so peaceful, and everything he had been fantasizing about. He never wanted this feeling to end.

  
“Morning Bucky.” Steve said and gestured to the griddle. “Making you some pancakes, I- uh, I feel really bad about our fight.”

  
Bucky stalled for a moment, he had completely forgotten that there had even been a fight leading up to the kiss. It came back to him. His stomach dropped as he remembered the unkind things he said to Steve.

  
“You shouldn’t be sorry Stevie. I should be the one apologizing” His morning voice was gruff and deep. He cleared his throat and continued. “I should’ve been more honest with you, I should’ve told you a lot sooner.”  
“Wish you would have” Steve hummed as he leaned on Bucky a little more. He paused to flip the last pancake onto a plate.  
Steve pushed away from Bucky. “Grab the syrup.” He called and carried the tower of cakes towards the table. Bucky retrieved the syrup and plopped down at the table across from Steve; greedily piling his plate with the hot cakes.

The sat for a moment in silence, enjoying the meal.  
“We need to talk” Steve said, his voice was clear and purposeful, it cut through the quiet like an icy blade.

  
Those four words made Bucky’s heart drop in his chest. His mind went a mile a minute rapidly creating the worst scenario it could imagine ‘it was a mistake’, ‘I just was trying to help’ and then he dove deeper and spiraled to darker places. ‘Did you really think I loved you?’ ‘It was a joke.’ In a matter of seconds he was looking up at the ceiling, breathing hard, he felt like he was falling.

  
\------+-----

  
Steve had set everything up perfectly (if he did say so himself), at the very least Bucky seemed pleased by the pancakes. Steve couldn’t help but smile as he watched his friend stack his plate with breakfast, like a chipmunk preparing for winter. He swallowed hard and tried to find his resolve, remembering what he had told himself last night.  
In that moment Steve realized something, being brave doesn’t mean picking a fight you knew you were going to lose. It didn’t mean getting beat up for no reason to ‘feel’ brave. Being brave meant putting everything on the line, when you knew you could lose it all. Not in the sense of losing a fight, lost fights meant as few bruises maybe a chipped tooth, that was nothing compared to what Steve could lose right now. Right now he could lose his best friend, his future, the only person left of this earth that he loved. That was terrifying. Part of him wanted to turn and run out of the apartment, act like everything was just how they left it 48 hours ago. But it wasn’t and right now Steve needed to be brave.

  
He cleared his throat, looked into Bucky’s eyes and said evenly “We need to talk.”

  
Bucky stared at him wide eyed, his face falling into a frown. He looked scared, almost panicked.  
“Oh no, no, no, s’ not like that Buck.” Steve said putting his small hand over the larger quavering one. He continued. “I just feel like we need to talk about what happened. I- um. I want. I want you to know that I want you.” It felt like he had just lifted a ton off his chest. His eyes scanned Bucky’s face, it was almost emotionless and Steve’s heart dropped. He was quick to defend “But- if that’s not what you want I understand. We can go back to the way things were. We can just forget about…” He was cut off by Bucky grasping his face and pulling him in for a second kiss. Somehow this one was better than before, it was firm, reassuring. The sweet flavor he couldn’t identify was tripled by the taste of syrup. The strong hands on his face were rough, yet they held Steve’s in them like he was some precious piece of China.  
Bucky pulled away first but didn’t let his hands fall, he drew a calloused thumb over Steve’s lips. “I want you too.” He said.

  
Steve wondered if this was what being a superhero was like. When Bucky said those words he felt like he was flying, invincible, superhuman. He could have died that moment a happy man. (But it’s good that he didn’t, for Bucky’s sake.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm considering adding a little bit of spice to the next chapter ; ) Please let me know how hot you want it.  
> -To Clarify- I don't mean Spice as in 'smut'. I'll need to be a bit more comfortable with the story before I even consider that. I'm just talking about Spice as in 'heavy kissing' and all that mushy stuff- basically stuff that would be allowed on TV.


	3. Just Making Sure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys go through their daily routine. When Bucky gets home from work he has a question for Steve.  
> \-------  
> “Hey Stevie” He called.  
> “Yeah?”  
> “Will you be my boyfriend” He asked and was thankful that the bathroom door was closed to hide his blush.  
> “Uh yeah Buck. Kind of thought we were already.”  
> “Just making sure.” Bucky replied looking into the mirror. He was smiling like a complete idiot, if it was possible it got even wider when heard Steve mumble ‘punk’ from the kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (This is kind of a part two of chapter two.) This chapter was fun to write because I tried to add a little more backstory and stay true to how the characters would act.

Bucky lay on the couch with the other man’s head on his lap, he lightly stroked the soft blond hair and Steve hummed in approval. Honestly, the boy was just like a cat. He looked at the clock, ten more minutes and he would have to leave for work. Part of him wanted to stay like this forever, screw work. He and Steve would live in cardboard boxes and adopt a stray cat named Casper, raise their own little family. The more rational side forced him to roll Steve off his lap and start to get ready for work, but Casper the cat wasn’t such a bad idea.

  
He shuffled around the apartment getting ready for another long day at the warehouse, 36 cents an hour was lousy pay for all the work he did; but the depression was hitting everyone hard.

  
He washed his face, grabbed an apple for lunch, gave Steve a quick peck on the forehead and was out the door.  
New York City was always full of life, sounds, colors, and smells (not all of them good). Buck kept a brisk pace and walked the usual route to the warehouse.  
He slowed up a bit to hear what the newsies would say, he always made a point of keeping Steve updated with the War. He knew that Steve was itching for the U.S. to get involved so he could enlist. The thought twisted Bucky’s stomach and everyday as he walked by the stand he would keep his fingers crossed, praying that today wouldn’t be the day that we joined the war. It was selfish, he knew. But he couldn’t lose Steve overseas, he had already made up his mind. If Steve was going to enlist then he would to, they might as well both get blown up.

  
He passed the stand and let out a breath of relief he didn’t realized he had been holding. There had been no news confirming his fears. But the fragile nature of the War scared him. Deep down he knew that Steve would throw away his life with Bucky to be a hero. Steve would deny it but it was all Steve had ever wanted.  
He pulled himself from the morose thoughts and punched in his time card as he entered the warehouse. Now wasn’t the time to think about Steve, there was work to be done.

  
\------+------  
Steve was on his knees shelving the last box of cereal, some kind of bland raisin bran. Looks like something his Bucky would have made him eat after he got sick. He turned to Mr. Fletcher, who was occupying himself by making little towers out of coins from the register. The man was practically ancient and the store that he ran had been around longer than he could remember. He was tough but had a soft spot for Steve, he had been Sarah’s godfather and was the closest thing Steve had to extended family. So when his arthritis became so bad that he couldn’t bend over to stock the shelves he had offered Steve a job. 40 cents an hour and free grabs at any expired food.

  
“That all you need today Sir? Do you want me to take the trash out?”  
“No, that’s for today Steve. Thank You. Tomorrow we're getting a big shipment so please come before we open.”  
“Will do.” Steve replied with a salute and headed out the door.

  
Steve loved when the store received new shipments, the supplier used the warehouse that Bucky worked to ship and he somehow always managed to snag the job. It was refreshing seeing Bucky at work, even for a few minutes. The repetitiveness stocking shelves was wearing and Mr. Fletches wasn’t exactly ‘a hoot’.

  
Steve picked up his pace taking note to the storm clouds rolling in. Throwing caution to the wind he decided to take a shortcut through the alley between the library and bookstore. Taking these shortcuts always made him a little nervous, but he’d rather be uncomfortable the rained on. He turned into another alley behind a restaurant. This stretch was notorious for the homeless who would raid the dumpster for leftovers, sure enough there were several people there. It pained Steve to see people this way, but times weren’t good. When Buck got fired from his last job the men barely had enough to eat, forced to live off of expired buns from the grocery store. That was a dark time but Steve could remember the small sense of pride he felt in having Bucky reliant on him for food, it was refreshing to feel needed for once.

  
Steve passed a mother and child as his heart jumped in his throat, but what could he do to help them? Someday if he ever became a hero he would remember people like this.  
Just as he exited the alley and rejoined the sidewalk rain started falling in thick, fat drops. Steve clung closer to the buildings trying to shelter himself with the overhangs. Had Bucky brought an umbrella to work this morning? Probably not, the idiot had a firm ‘that’s what hats are for’ mentality.  
He climbed the stairs to the apartment careful to shake the droplets off his jacket and wipe her damp boots on the mat.

  
As expected Bucky wasn’t home yet. Steve began his nightly routine of preparing dinner, the men had a rule: whoever was home first had to make dinner, No cheating. The last part had to be added after someone, Bucky, was discovered to be thwarting the system by waiting behind the building till Steve came home, then miraculously arriving home later. He was caught after two weeks of arriving home at exactly five minutes after Steve. Steve hadn’t been mad, but rather amused. Yet he had allocated all meal duties to Bucky for a whole week, a fair trade in his eyes.  
Catching sight of the rain pummeling the window Steve winced, poor Buck.

  
\------+-----

  
A minute into Buck’s walk home it began raining. Hard. For once he wished he had headed Steve’s warning and brought an umbrella. After four blocks of running through the rain he arrived at the complex. Steve greeted him at the door.

  
“S’ raining” Steve said flatly.  
“By god, Sherlock’s done it again!” Bucky said in a lousy British accent as he tossed his soaking cap at Steve. He strutted over to the bathroom stripping down to his boxers and made work of wringing out the water. He was about to cross the apartment in only his boxers but it felt like a strange thing to do. Before when he and Steve were ‘straight’ they saw each other shirtless all the time but now that they were- what were they? Boyfriends? He had just assumed.

  
“Hey Stevie” He called.  
“Yeah?”  
“Will you be my boyfriend” He asked and was thankful that the bathroom door was closed to hide his blush.  
“Uh yeah Buck. Kind of thought we were already.”  
“Just making sure.” Bucky replied looking into the mirror. He was smiling like a complete idiot. He heard Steve mumble ‘punk’ from the kitchen.  
He had lost his train of thought- oh yes. Know that they were boyfriends he wasn’t sure if it was ‘proper’ for him to be so exposed around Steve. He bashfully tiptoed around the kitchen, half hoping that Steve wouldn’t notice him. His prayers were ignored and Steve began to talk.  
“Hey Buck do you want sauce on the…” He stopped abruptly as he caught sight of Bucky letting his eyes roam over the toned form. Immediately Steve gulped and his face flushed. He awkwardly turned back to the spaghetti.  
“Sauce would be great Stevie.” Bucky replied trying to act like he hadn’t noticed his boyfriend’s wandering eyes.  
He quickly changed into some dry clothes and settled into his spot at the table.

  
\------+-----

  
“Hey Bucky do you want sauce on the…”

Steve stopped as he took in his boyfriend for what felt like the first time. If any good came out of that job in the warehouse it was that Bucky had become very fit. There was no rippling muscles or bulging pecs but there was a toned harness about his body that made Steve’s mouth go dry. The wet underwear hung to Bucky’s hips accentuating the deep ‘v’. Sure he had seen Buck before, he had always thought him attractive. But this time was different, this time Bucky was his. He swallowed hard and realized he was staring. He shifted his gaze back to dinner.

  
“Sauce would be great Stevie.” Bucky said and it seemed that he was completely unaware to the way Steve had stared. He heard Buck close the door to his room and he breathed a sigh of relief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, okay... I know it wasn't very spicy at all.


	4. To Feel Wanted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve had never felt wanted, then he met Bucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I'm so sorry this chapter is short and I didn't update for a few days :( My family is preparing for a vacation which is both exciting and stressful.)  
> I'm really surprised at how much support this story is getting! Its very refreshing to finally have people read what i've taken so much time to write.  
> As always, I love to hear your comments both good and bad.

Steve had never felt wanted before. It wasn’t for lack of love, Sarah was a wonderful mother, but Steve got the feeling that life would be better off if he had never been born. He had plenty of time to consider this in his youth, lots of lonely hours in the hospital. At the age of seven he has begun to understand the burden he put on his mother, both financially and emotionally. Every time he pointed this out to her however, she would assure him that that wasn’t the case and launch into a monologue about how ‘the lord’ chose him to be her son for a reason. 

At ten he wondered if her life would be better off without him in it. Not suicide, god knows what that would do to her, but the idea that if he had never been conceived her life would be carefree. Well, as carefree as a widow of war could be. 

Then at the age of twelve he met James. Bucky treated him differently than anyone else did, a mixture of kindness and brutal honesty. They had been friends for a few weeks when he asked Bucky the same question he had asked Sarah. He was already prepared for the standard cookie cutter ‘you’re a special snowflake’ response his mother had always given him, what he got was ‘yah, you’re a pain in the ass- but I like you.’  
Bucky had acted so nonchalant about his response, if Steve didn’t know him so well he may have been offended. Because In all honesty that not what Steve had expected or wanted him to say, it was something better; the truth. The truth was refreshing. To finally hear someone admit that he was a burden should have been crushing, it should have shredded Steve’s fragile self-confidence but it did completely the opposite. 

It meant to him that even if Bucky thought he was a pain in the ass, he accepted him for it.

Despite that glaring fact, Bucky still liked him.  
He still had Steve’s back in a fight.  
He still helped him carry his bag home from school.  
He still visited Steve in the hospital every day when he got sick.  
For the first time Steve felt wanted.  
Wanted as a friend. 

And now as lay with Bucky on the couch he felt wanted again.  
Wanted as something more.  
Bucky made him feel wanted, loved and cherished.  
But he was still Bucky.  
He still would punch Steve in the arm for a shitty pun.  
He would still use him as the butt of a joke.  
He would still let him know that he was a pain in the ass.  
And that’s what made Steve feel like he did.  
Steve felt loved and was in love.  
It felt forbidden to even admit that to himself, though they had known each other for so long the relationship was new. Would it be taboo to confess while the relationship was still fresh? At the very least it was unconventional. But since when did Steve and Bucky do conventional? 

Steve raised from the warm lap and turned around so he could face the man in front of him, straddling his legs in a kneel on either side of Bucky’s thighs. Steve’s scrawny arms circled the man and he rested his head lovingly on Bucky’s shoulder. Leading with a trail of soft kisses up Bucky’s neck he moved to his ear. And just like that, three days into their relationship he uttered almost inaudibly “I love you Bucky Barnes.” 

For the second time in his life Steve has no clue how his friend would react but he shouldn’t have been surprised when Bucky took Steve’s face in his hands and flatly replied.  
‘No shit’. 

\---------+-------

Oh my god, Steve loves me. Actually loves me. Bucky pondered what to say, he wanted this moment to be romantic, tender he wanted Steve to know that he felt the same way. Of course that’s exactly the opposite of what he did. 

Before Bucky could think his mouth was running.  
“No Shit.” 

At first he worried that Steve would be hurt but when he looked to his boyfriend he saw that trademark boyish smirk on his face. The one that was both sexy and sweet; Bucky loved it. 

He pulled Steve deeper on to his lap wrapping the other man’s legs around his waist. Steve looked surprised by this and the innocent shock on his face was what sent Bucky over the edge. Before he could process what was happening he had Steve’s face in his hands and was kissing him hungrily.  
Steve may have been new to ‘making out’ but it seemed to Bucky like he was an expert. While Bucky’s kisses were short and needy Steve was slow and purposeful, he kissed tentatively but did not shy away at Bucky’s aggression. 

Bucky had to stop for a moment and pull away from Steve to give him a chance to breath, an asthma attack would definitely kill the mood. 

Looking at Steve on his lap was almost a religious experience. The way lips looked, puffy and red from kissing. The sexy way his hair was messed up by Bucky’s roaming hands. The way his chest heaved as he sucked in ragged breaths that could have been asthma but were probably result of something else. 

Fuck, Bucky loved this man.  
And this man was his. 

But not his for taking. Bucky had to remind himself how innocent Steve truly was. Self-control was key because this was Steve. Little Stevie. Not one of the dames Buck could just fool around with. The clothes would stay on, no matter how much Bucky wanted them off because he knew Steve. He knew that the moment you let Steve know you wanted him he, would do everything to keep it that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayyyy we finally got a love confession and a little dash of spice ;))))


End file.
